I know this should be disgusting...

1.5 oz. Vodka
1.5 oz. Cointreau
.75 oz. Pickled bologna brine (this KILLS me)
Smoked paprika for garnish


My brain KNOWS this is disgusting...but my mouth keeps saying it is tasty. If that isn't Science, I don't know what the fuck is.

Blinding me with Science!

Sometimes the strangest ideas will flash through my mind--with no apparent provocation--and I accidentally believe them before I notice what is happening.

I was just getting back into my car after pumping gas (sadly, this is sober Science). I was chewing some key lime pie gum (Scientifically proven to be delicious, though not as delicious as the orange creamcicle gum), and I had the thought, "I should be careful not to slam my tongue in the car door." And I was. Very careful.

Which is, of course, ridiculous. Everyone knows you have to try very, very, VERY hard to slam your tongue in a car door. And if they didn't know before, they do now. Because I said so. It is a Scientific fact.





P.S. This vaguely reminds me of how I spent all last weekend anxious because I had a dream that I got an email at work saying I was in trouble (though I wasn't in trouble in real life). Then the next night I had anxiety dreams all night that it turned out the dream email was real and I really was in trouble. By the next morning I was thoroughly anxious and confused, and even though I knew it was nonsense I could not entirely put my mind at ease until I got to work on Monday. That probably isn't Science, though. That's just crazy. And I should know.

Birthday Science? Culinary Science? Something...

Jsun: I got you babies for your birthday. Six of them. I got you sextuplets for your birthday.

Me: Gross! You better not have! Are they for cooking?

Jsun: Yes. Babies are for braising.

Me: Silly man! You don't braise babies. Babies are tender, they don't need to be braised.

Jsun: You're right. Babies are the Cornish game hens of cannibalism.

Me: It's Science.

Science teaches manners: An open letter to the guy behind me

Dear Sir,

Coughing transmits droplets of moisture from one person's lungs/throat/mouth/nose to another's. If Science had not already taught me this, I would now know it thanks to the exhilarating mist of sputum showered upon me by your gooey baby-thing.

Now, I realize you are used to being covered in the juices of your funky little foundling--but I am not. I don't want you to think it is merely the novelty of this mucosal assault that irks me, though.

Science also teaches us that those droplets of moisture are chock-a-bock full of bacteria and viruses. Given the stream of fluid spewing from every orifice in the head of your unfortunate offspring, I suspect there were plenty of bacteria and viruses to go around.

Given that you turned your head the one time you coughed, I suspect you have already learned these valuable lessons from Science. Now, I think you should allow Science to teach you another valuable lesson in manners:

POINTING YOUR LITTLE CROTCH FRUIT AT ME WHILE HE IS COUGHING IS JUST AS FUCKING RUDE AS COUGHING ON ME YOURSELF.

For the love of crackers, man! Point it elsewhere, cover it up, leave it at home, whatever it takes! Just keep your baby slime to yourself! Science says so.

Francy pants chocolate!

What the fuck was I going to say about this cocktail? No one here knows. And they are the ones that insisted I post!

It is:
3/4 oz. Brandy
3/4 oz. Creme de cacao
3/4 oz. Half and half
1/4 oz. Green creme de menthe

Garnish with shavings of premium-ass chocolate. There seems to be some competition for the shavings...I am hoping for hot oil wrestling...

Science has an anus ring!

Okay, so...Anus tattoos. Something needs to be said...but what?

It started with a porn star's tattoo around her butt hole, something to the effect of "One ring to rule them all, One ring to bind them." The question arose as to whether you would hold your own ass cheeks apart for the requisite number of hours, or if you would ask someone else to hold your ass cheeks apart. I think it ended with the question of whether you would wear underwear (and risk a wedgie) if you were going to church on Easter with grandma during the healing period...We decided that if you have an anus tattoo, it is more likely that grandma goes to Easter church commando than you wearing underwear during the healing process. It is just common sense. It is Science!


Also:
Apparently anal tattoos are a remedy for chronic back pain:
"The tattoo needles actually draw out the back cramps through your anus...The ink is actually just the good juju that is deposited into your back through your anus." Medical Science by Chaseycakes.

Stupid ninjas!

"Pluralization counts! I don't know why my butt is wet."

And, on another occasion:

"That is some good beer! I need to take off my pants."

Up with life!

So the Jsun and I were at a Wilderness First Aid class, and we realized something important: Someday a hard-on just might save your life. We were discussing heart attacks and vasodilators (incidentally, vasodilation is one of my favorite words...and phenomena...) and Jsun made the point that, because it is a vasodilator, if you were having a heart attack Viagra might just save your life. Boners for survival, that's Science!

Fun Fact:

Singing in a dirty "French" voice about dirty things...really solid way to make sense of the world.

Geography!

Wisconsin is the Texas of Canada.

Also, beer festivals are AWESOME!

Preserved lemons...ROCK MY SOCKS!

Okay, preserved lemons are one of the most awesome things ever, it's a Scientific fact. I say so, and I make Science. Anyway, I make them, I love them, I eat them. And I am always looking for more ways to do all three. If you don't know what preserved lemons are--well, you're deprived, no two ways about it, but--you're not alone. They can be made a number of ways, but the way I make them is very simple: Combine lemons and salt in a jar (it is more detailed than this, but I can't imagine you care--and I am not an authority and you should ask someone else--that being said, I will tell you anyway: cut off the stem end of your lemons, quarter them, but don't cut quite all the way through, pack the cut surfaces with kosher salt, pack the lemons into a jar with "shoulders", cram them down as hard as you can with a wooden spoon, pack as many as you possibly can in the jar, smooshing the juice out of them, if necessary add more lemon juice to cover the lemons, add a tablespoon or so of kosher salt, seal, and store in a cool dark place for 4 weeks, shaking/turning over occasionally. The finished product will store about a year in the fridge). [I bet any English teachers' heads exploded with all those commas.]

So, upshot: They are extremely salty and sour. I WANT TO PUT THEM IN COCKTAILS. Sort of a sweet/salty kinda notion. This works extremely well with li hing mui (a salty/sweet/sour dried plum), which makes amazing margaritas, infused vodka, and a variety of other cocktails.

IDEA 1: Preserved Lemon Simple Syrup

Not sure how this will work out. It is sweet, salty, and slightly bitter. Thick. This is going to take some experimentation. No, I didn't take a picture. Use your imagination.


IDEA 2: Preserved Lemon Dirty Martini

Use a bit of brining liquid instead of olive juice and garnish with a bit of lemon. I hope to try this later...but I have had beer, and an attempt using IDEA 1, and the Kool-aid is calling me.


ATTEMPTS

Preserved Lemon Drop- This was weird. I may have put too much syrup in. I dunno. I ended up dumping it into a pint glass (before I thought to take a picture) and adding  diet lemon-lime soda.


Okay...dinner time...maybe I will try again later...

Trois

Apparently there are at least limited typing abilities...(and the meatballs are made and simmering in the sauce).

So,

ATTEMPT THREE

1 oz vodka
1/4 oz grenadine syrup
1 oz gin
1 oz light rum
1/2 oz Bacardi 151
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz triple sec
grapefruit juice
pineapple juice

Pour all but the juices into a glass three-quarters filled with crushed ice. Fill with equal parts of grapefruit and pineapple juice, and serve.

Once again, I made it as advised and tasted it...then added the passion fruit syrup (the one I made from juice) when it tasted a teensy bit flat. Much better. I really liked this one, a deep and complex flavor from the variety of liquors. The juices were also well balanced, I couldn't pick any one flavor out of the mélange.

Okay. I'm gonna go watch BDSM videos and eat dinner...because that's normal. But then, I suppose making meatballs to simmer in home made tomato sauce you canned yourself and then serve over fettucini you had previously made and frozen in nests isn't exactly normal either.

I rock. It's Science.

Sophomoric attempt...

For my next trick, I will emulate the hurricane of an undisclosed bar, sometimes called Pattie O.'s...

The difficult thing here is that there are more than a few that will tell you this used to be a thing of loveliness (even if not strictly traditional). A fruit-punchy orgy of rums competing to put you to bed (or at least IN bed). I swear on my vibrator, they used to have a female attendant in the bathroom who described the bulk of her job as letting girls know how much rum is in the drinks and holding hair back.

Now many who like to have this argument seem to boil it down to the days when your glass would have frozen condensation, as opposed to the wet condensation you get now (when did "wet" stop being a fun adjective?)--all of which is supposed to relate to alcohol content.

Here is what I did: Start with fruit punch and add the lore I have heard over the years.

The Down and Dirty:
1.5 oz. White rum
1.5 oz. Dark rum
4.5 oz. Fruit punch (I used Kool-aid, because I am a BAMF)
1 oz. Bacardi 151

Mix the first 3 in a glass. Fill almost to full with crushed ice. Float the 151. Garnish with orange slice and cherry. If you are fucking psycho for straws (esp. bendy straws) like me, add a straw.

Place in front of pretty flowers from the Jsun...


Here is the secret (which convinces me passion fruit is the KEY...there is no passion fruit, only Zool):

Before I did the floater (because if you stir again, it isn't really a floater, is it?), I tasted it. Good. Tasty even. But a bit flat. So? I added 1 oz. of the passion fruit syrup (the one I made from the juice)...MAGIC MOTHER FUCKERS! Holy punk monkeys!

Then I floated the 151.

For the record, I got a SERIOUSLY frozen condensation. Over, and over, at each level of drinkage.

I don't know if I will be able to type for the next drink...Also, I am trying to make meatballs.

P.S. FYI: I am not trying to make fun of hurricanes, and certainly not those hit hard by them, but I have never been through one before. This was the best way I knew how to cope.

Hurricane!

Now, for the true Methodique Boisson! So, there is much debate over just what the fuck a hurricane is. Enter Science. Now we aren't going to prove anything...or probably even learn much (at least not that we remember)...but we WILL find the version of a hurricane that I like best

If you want to learn (a tiny bit) more about the hurricane, I will lead you to the website of the bar that made it famous, and then proceeded to famously bastardize it. That's right. The parents of the drink mix weren't married when the mix was conceived. Seems Sciencey.

The basics:
Rum- Bacardi Superior (white), The Kraken Black Spiced Rum, and Bacardi 151
Juices- orange, unsweetened grapefruit, pineapple, cherry Kool-aid, and tropical punch Kool-aid (in Science, Kool-aid is juice)
Garnish- Oranges, lemons, limes, grenadine, maraschino cherries
The KEY (apparently)- Passion fruit syrup (in most recipes, in all seemingly quality recipes, often cited as the defining ingredient)

The Caveat:
Passion fruit syrup is hard to come by when you decide (while at work) Friday to make hurricanes all day Saturday. Especially in the particular locale in which I find myself. As such, improvisation is necessary. I came up with two substitutes, which may get combined at some point: 1 Qt. passion fruit juice reduced by half with approximately 1/2 cup sugar in it, and a pint of passion fruit sorbet (limited additional ingredients, no dairy) melted. Adventures in Science!

The logical place to start seems to be the "Hurricane Cocktail," seems to be the origin or basis the others stem from...also seems not to have a (real) recipe. You can find some...but they often have mixers or other things that suggest they are not really cocktails. The best description I have found was "rum, passion fruit syrup, and lemon juice." Seems authentic, and I think I like the puzzle of only being given an ingredients list with no proportions or instructions.

With no further ado:

ATTEMPT ONE
It got too big, because I was tinkering, but here were the proportions:

4 oz. White rum
4 oz. Dark rum
4 oz. Passion fruit goo (in this case melted sorbet...only after making the drink did I notice that the top layer of the sorbet was foam, with a syrup underneath...so this one was made with sorbet foam...whatever that means)
Juice of half a lemon

Shake with ice and strain into a martini glass.



The result...mixed. The color is odd (due to bright yellow passion fruit and black rum), it is super foamy (ummm...probably because I shook sorbet foam over ice? SCIENCE!)...but it tastes delicious! Light, bright, fruity and fun! A bit much to drink all night, but damn tasty.

The morning aftermath...

"I'm thinking...wait, no I'm not. I'm trying to think. It's similar, but less effective."

Also,

"Phones shouldn't be that arousing."

FOR THE RECORD...there was certainly some post-imbibement haze, but I think that post-coital languor was equally or more responsible. I was informed, however, that if that (the first one) wasn't a quote for this forum, nothing was.

Also, the haze this morning was bewildering. One mixed drink, one beer, and two Manhattans. I understand that those of less libatious fortitude might find that ample to result in drunkenness and next morning malaise, but I am staunch in my consumption. My only theory has to do with a combination of inadequate sleep (there is no valid reason any of us should be aware there is a 5:45 in the morning), not eating enough (I love food, I am not one of those creepy waif girls that won't eat--I just got distracted), and dehydration (my body works best with 2+ liters of water a day...stupid body, being all demanding).

My solution...you will see...

MARTINI

The reason to shake a martini near your ear:

The viscosity changes resulting from chilling produce a change in sound.


P.S. Due to drunken fun...this is draft 19 or so...

Things are happening...

...What are they?

That is me. Just me. Being me.

Oh. And eating tomatoes.

I am sure that is Science somehow...AMERKA! That's why, bitch!

Parental Guidance suggested?

It has come to my attention that I should probably come with an "R" rating. It isn't Science...but it is probably true. That way, people would be prepared for the fact that adult situations and brief nudity might occur at any moment.

Science in medicine

If a wound oozes or has drainage, that is fine--as long as it is clear. When it is clear, it is just interstitial fluid. It is just flushing the would and part of the healing process. That is NOT puss. Puss is the opaque fluid that is exuded from an infected wound. It is the same interstitial fluid, but adulterated with dead white blood cells. The white blood cells try to fight the infection, and when they die they are secreted in the form of puss, and they are what makes the fluid opaque. If the puss is trapped and not allowed to drain (such as in an abscess), the white blood cells rot and make the puss stinky.

Science!

Science is mine, bish!

Jsun: [some made up malarkey]

Me: Watch it, buster! That sounds an awful lot like a "Fact You Just Made Up."

Jsun: You don't have proprietary rights on making shit up.

Me: I invented making shit up!

Worth quoting

Not science, or even Science, but still worthwhile.

The Feline- Walking distance: Does that mean it is close enough to walk to? Or that it is close enough that if we drive there, it will be really short?"

Jsun- It means it is close enough that if we have a stiff drink, drive there, have another stiff drink, and can't drive...it is close enough, we can just stumble back."



I don't care if it is too damn big. I want to be able to read it.

Ahhh...when did you first learn about the magic of Science?


P.S. Incidentally, I love using "potato, potato" in written form. It is always a tough call as to whether or not to spell it phonetically (as above) or just leave it (as I did). I think the latter is funnier. I am pretty sure I am the only one amused by that but, really, who am I here to entertain if not myself?
It is not science, but I said it anyway. Suck it. =)

Dogs can't see 2-dimensional pictures

I read this somewhere. Or saw it. Or heard it. Or something. I have a hard time believing it, though.

Right now, we are waiting at the vet, and my dog Sesi (aka, Sesame Street Rumble) is staring at a poster of a dog. This poster is not in his natural line of sight. It is up and off to the side, and it looks like he is staring intently at it.

Of course, I have seen him sit down two feet from a blank white wall and stare at that, too. So it might not mean anything.

Language as Science

Guest contribution, from the ever so necessary (and hopefully imminent) blog by the Jsun: "Euphemisms That Don't Mean Anything."
Tenderizing the rhino.

Examples of use:
(Suggestively)  Me: You're certainly tenderizing my rhino.
(As a threat) Jsun: I'll tenderize your rhino, buster.
(As a chore) Chaseycakes: I need to spray paint my book case and then tenderize the rhino.

Use it in good health.

Doggies have Science

My dog (Muppet) likes to lick wounds on other people. He does this because he has healing doggie magic. By gently abrading and clearing debris from the cut or puncture, he prevents it from prematurely scabbing, thereby preventing possible abscess or serious infection. Doggies have healing Science.

And they make house calls.

Fireworks

I like fireworks. Not the little kind. The big fuckers. The ones you need a license AND a permit to ignite.

Know why?

Because, in the world of Science, that is the closest I will ever come to seeing the trajectory of a sound wave.

It's Science. Period.

Some people think science involves generating testable hypotheses and then gathering data to either confirm or refute those hypotheses. Oh, how little imagination they have.

The fact of the matter is, real Science most often involves a martini glass. Real Science is easy. You just say shit as though it is true. Sometimes you label the Science as Science to give it that patina of authority and legitimacy. Like Scientology.

The upside to my brand of Science is that, unlike most of the carpet-baggers running around trying to co-opt the notion of "science" to lend credibility to whatever random pitch they are making for money or power, my Science is labeled as the malarkey it is. And it is capitalized. Science.

So here is the deal: I often find myself saying things (frequently with aforementioned martini glass in hand) with an air of authority. I am a pretty smart cookie and tend to know a lot of stuff, so people often believe me. Sometimes when I say stuff, though, it occurs to me that I think I read that tidbit of information in a reputable journal (or other legitimate source of information)...but I might have just made it up. Most often this is the product of cobbling together partial information I have from disparate sources, rather than fabricating something entirely. As a firm believer in, and lover of, science (as opposed to Science) I don't want to mislead my listener. The culmination of this rambling diatribe is that, some time back, I began adding the disclaimer, "But that may be a Scientific Fact I just made up."

I add this disclaimer to statements I make (most often inebriated) that I think were factually accurate, but I can't be sure due to my inability to recall the precise source of the information. I find the use of disclaimers liberating, so now I sometimes will just make a wild guess, state it as fact, then add a disclaimer. (Millions of corporations can't be wrong...can they?) The fun thing is, sometimes I am right. Other times, I am fantastically wrong.

Over time I became curious about the nature and themes of these Scientific Facts, and wondered whether more of them were accurate or inaccurate. Since there is no way to measure, observe, and analyze such things, I thought I would just post them here and see if they continue to be entertaining.

Either that, or I just say funny shit when I am drunk and wanted to have a proper receptacle for my (and my friend's) pie-eyed pearls of wisdom.